| Have You Ever Seen Through The Eyes Of A Lonedreamer |
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| RTD you Bastard you betrayed your fans, I feel like this series is punishment now! |
[10 Jul 2009|09:22am] |
Ok have to rant I may end up saying the same things over but Ive had 3 hours sleep caught between tears and anger. I know its only a TV show but it meant a lot to mean. Since the episode ended I found out some people have already got there dvds early so read the spoilers, after all what could be worse than killing Ianto but the ending is so final and I hate where this series is taking us now.
This really is the biggest mistake in TV history first time ever I'm so angry with my fandom i have to shout to as many people as will listen. How could they kill Ianto, him and Jack being together was my fav thing about the show and this has just broke my heart but worse than that I am full of hate and anger. I am just so angry, does RTD understand whats he's done, does he realize how much the fans are going to hate him. I wont watch tonights episode I just don't care anymore now they've taken away my favorite part. Maybe when I calm down a bit i will prob watch it for closure but for now I cant face it. They had ruined Torchwood without Ianto and Jack/Ianto its just not the same show I fell in love with. For the first time ever we had a hero in a gay relationship saving the world a first and a landmark for slash fandom and they repay us fans by ruining our biggest love. I cant even cry I am so angry I don't want a season 4 not without Janto. I hate RTD, I hate Torchwood and I feel they have betrayed slash fans as well as gay fans and killed a great fandom!
For the first time in mainstream television we had an omnisexual hero without any of the stigmata’s or stereotypes of having a gay relationship. For the first time we had the main male lead not get together with the female lead but with another main male character. I have had to revaluate part of my PhD because of series 3 of Torchwood and the implication of the Jack/Ianto relationship and its open and beautiful portrayal. It it’s a landmark in the world of slash and it means big things for us in the academic community and it meant big things to the gay community.
The sad part comes from the death of Ianto and the crushing blow it has dealt many fans myself included. Words cant being to explain what feels like a big punishment to many fans. I tried hard to get over there only being 5 episodes and I agree wholeheartedly that this was like punishment but then to kill off not only such an iconic relationship but such a beloved character I feel my fandom betrayed me. The slash fan in me is crying and being a member of a gay community means I feel like I just got dumped and then slapped. It was the most beautiful and painful thing I have watched in years. After being so invested in a series with fantastic actors, fun stories, beautiful scores and the kind of relationship I have dreamed about being portrayed in a mainstream TV show I feel so lost and hurt. Not only have they killed Ianto but they have taking everything away from Torchwood, the SUV, The Hub, Gwen (she’s pregnant so cant seriously think she can return to work at Torchwood and worst of all Jacks souls. When Ianto died so did my hope for a positive and strong gay relationship on our television screens that wasn’t a stereotype. But with Jack they’ve left him so broken and so alone and it’s a kind of torture that I never wanted to see in a fandom I loved so much. I feel every bit as broken as Captain Jack has been left.
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| Guess who's back |
[28 May 2009|10:49am] |
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So after nearly two years of traveling Zoe is back in the Uk. So many stories to tell but for now since I've only been in England for 5 days I'm chilling, getting my head back into western culture and trying to find a job while getting ready for the PhD. Look forward to speaking and seeing people again.
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| More tales from Korea |
[18 Jun 2008|05:13am] |
HI again all how have you been, I bring you another update of my time here in Korea. Well I've been being very cultural and living a bit of a Korean lifestyle. I've started learning Korean through a language exchange program. This basically means i meet with my Korean co-teacher and she teaches me Korean while I teach her English. Its pretty tough trying to learn the alphabet and the pronunciation is really difficult there are a fare few letters that sound the same to me but I'm doing quite well remembered most of the alphabet already and can say a few things but its only been 2 weeks so I'm confident I will get better. I'm really glad I've started doing things that make me experience more of Korean culture the other activity I've taken up is Taekwondo, the national Korean martial art. I just started this week and I have an hour lesson after work Monday to Friday. I am terrible at it, cant stretch very far, my balance is horrible, cant remember the Korean names for the moves I'm doing and remembering the moves properly is really difficult. Making sure the hands are in the right position when punching, slicing or blocking is hard word. Its a case of making sure your feet, hands and body position all do what their supposed to at the same time, correctly in a very strict pattern. And to top it all of you have to make a short noise of aggression at the end of each move so I feel a bit silly at the moment. But I knew I would find it hard but I want to learn more confidence, better body positioning, balance, to stretch more, improve fitness level and of course I've always wanted to learn a martial art and Taekwondo is beautiful and strong and very impressive to watch.
Other things I've done are go to a traditional Korean clinic and it was amazing, just by sitting there the doctor recognized traits of my body condition and knew symptoms and reasons for them. All he did was ask a few questions and look at my tongue and he was able to diagnose me. He knew about hormone problems, explained why I'm prone to certain problems with my digestive systems, the cause of the cysts in my arms, my sleep patterns and little things like asking if I had darkness under my eyes (which i do but use concealer to cover), he knew exactly what kind of period I had, how long, pain levels, intensity and how to improve all these things. You can't imagine the piece of mind I have knowing why i've got so many cysts, but i Know know that I have a certain body condition of type that means my blood naturally contains more toxins and to cope with these its a little more extreme at trying to purge impurities and this also related to hormone imbalances which means i hair more hair on my arms which means that when the body is purging fatty tissues builds up and is trapped between hair follicles. Oh I love not having to worry about why my body does odd things and there are traditional treatments for my ailments. Ive started acupuncture which is not as scary as I thought, i didn't even feel some of the needles go in and only one really hurt and that means it found a bad spot that needed treating, apparently if i go for regular acupuncture it will go along way to improving my health. The other treatment is lying on hot towels and on you belly they place three containers with some kind of hot coal (but their not coals there something i have no idea what they could be), they strap this device with the coals onto you belly and pull down a big metal dish to cover it and extract the smoke coming of you. It gets very hot and when it reaches a point you cant take anymore a nurse comes over and releases you from the heat. It leaves you smelling like the coals but I love the heat, its very relaxing and makes me feel great. The last treatment i didn't enjoy and thats cupping. They take these glass cups kinda shapped like light bulbs put them over a flames then put them on your back where they suck up you skin. Its meant to leech toxins from you skin but it also hurts and looks gross. You can see the skin being sucked up, it looks like pink blob monsters are growing out you back and when its taken off huge red patches that turn to bruises appeared on my back, don't think I'll have that done again I will stick with the acupuncture which says alot since I hate needles and didn't think I could ever look at an acupuncture needles after watcher Audition.
Last thing I did just cause I felt a bit rebellious was get a new tattoo. Tattooing is illegal in Korea unless you have a medical licenses and are a practicing doctor in a hospital. So now I've done my one little naughty thing itsabout as law breaking as I get really. But it was a good experience the tattoo artist took my design, traced it and tattoo it to me so I have my own art on me now. I will take a picture once its out the healing stage but I'm proud of it and it was a unique experience going to a secrete underground Korean tattoo parlor, even got invited to the artist party which is cool. So thats been my week, pretty exciting I think but will keep you update me dear. Do email more want to know what you guys are doing for the summer. Take care, Zoe
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| Tales from Korea |
[04 Jun 2008|05:27am] |
Well its been a busy time trying to get used to teaching and running a classroom ,its difficult job. I'm doing all my prep for june at the moment which means planning all my lessons for the next month which takes a long time and well since i've never had to do something like this before i can get in quite the muddle. So many re-written plans but I'm getting it done and its all a learning experience, i also have to get stricter i let it slide at first but now i'm used to teaching and the kids have got used to me being there new teacher its time to get tougher on homework and behavior in class. Cant be nice to them all the time got to get out of playscheme mind and into more teacher mind, i'm so used to loud hyper children that i let crawl on me cause its fun but i've got to get across that their hear to learn English, it can still be fun but the important part is that I'm their teacher and they are English students, this is not playscheme or nursery. Im finding being strict a bit hard not used to being like that but this is the last hurdle i think, i can teach, i can make lessons fun and interesting and i can plan in advance so I think all in all im getting better at being a teacher and well things can only get better for me.
In other news ive been introduced to some great new food one of which resembles a chicken hot pot thats delicious and the other is a pork cutlet in bread crumbs that is also rather good on in broadening my food and finding some great dishes. Getting used to daily life, waking up at 9 watching some tv and anime, doing laundry and cleaning my room before going to work then work ends 9 and i come home and chill. Being buying food from the local store and trying to cook some interesting things for myself but by the time the weekend come im desperate for a bit of western food like a burger or pizza but all in all settling into life here.
So I thought i'd fill in a few more details of things I've been doing and trying in South Korea. I tried a local drink called Makla ( I think its spelt like that), its a very odd drink its a rice wine but not like saki or soju. Its not as thick as milk but its nearer that texture and colour and it has an odd sour taste but definitly alcoholic at you can really taste it. Its a sour alcoholic skimmed milk is the nearest description. What makes going out for this stuff is that its so stupidly cheap, it come in a huge kettle and you drink it out of bowls, each kettle works out as a fiver and you get about 2 bowls each in a group of 6. When you finish your kettle you have a rattle on your table or a drum to bang to say your ready for the next kettle. Now here is the best bit as long as your in the bar (well its really a room with table and chairs) the waiter keep bringing out food to eat while you drink and the food is free, thats right FREE. So you pay for your drinks and with them you get all kinds of things, we had whole chickens, pigs feet, kimchi, tofu, omelette's and some random stuff i have no idea what it was.
I have also been to the big theme part just south of Seoul called Everland, it was a lot of fun no where near as big as Disney land or anything but it had one amazing roller coaster which was one of the best rides I've ever been on in my life. It was so odd being at a theme park where everything is in a language you cant read or understand, all the ride instructions where in Korea so i had to just watch and do as everyone else. Plus being a foreigner you get stared at like your one of the attractions cause you kind of stick out a lot compared to the locals. I discovered that Korean couple when out on dates or newly married will where the same outfits, you get couples going around in matching t-shirts which is a little odd. Plus Korean men are really metro sexual, its shocking how boys and girls can where the same things and that guys will also wear pink hair clips or in Everland so many people go around with bunny or cat ears. I just about got over girls with ears that but men with cat ears just looks odd and you would assume they were gay but since many were out with girlfriends or the simple fact that so many share these girlish fashion trends it just seems Korean men are comfortable with more feminine fashions. After a day at the park we went into Seoul for the evening and my god is it a busy city. We went out for the evening saw the Korean night life which was great got to dance the night away and enjoy a fair few drinks, we left the cub at about 5am and the streets were still filled with people out and about drinking and all the restaurants were filled with people you would never think it was 5 in the morning. On the way back we passed loads of riot police, an i mean the streets were full of them, it turns out that during the night there had been a big demonstration through Seoul. The Koreans are protesting the import of American beef for the fear of mad cow although this is just half the story as there is a louder political message the korean are trying to put across about the influence of America on their culture. I would have like to have seen the demonstration but since we didn't know it was going on we just saw the clean up part but apparently there was a parade of candle holders and the reason there were so many riot police is because this is the first demonstration of its kind in Seoul. As you could imagine even after a few hours sleep at the hotel I wasn't up to much exploring of Seoul, looked round a very nice street market with local crafts and foods but needed to head back to Jeon Ju. Now I've worked out how to get the bus to and from Seoul though I can make many more trips to explore the capital.
Well I think i will leave it there must tell you guys about some of the movies I've watched in the next email, take care Zoe
ps. I watched all of I'd do Anything and even though I couldn't vote I am so glad that Jodie is Nancy, since she was my fav.
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| Greetings from Korea |
[22 May 2008|04:30am] |
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So Ive been here for over a week now and things are going really well. Ive settled into my apartment, got the hang of getting taxis (they are cheaper than buses in the UK) and have started teaching my own classes. Ive started to make some friends glad that their are movies fans and geeks amongst my midsts but i do miss watching doctor who with everyone. Found the cinema (its only £2.50) and found this great new torrent device called Utorrent which means for example i can download entire TV shows in a matter of hours. Ive found the shopping area as well as well as the pubs and bars. Ive tried a ot of random food and i cant tell you what it all is as its a mystery to me as well. I do know I've tried jelly fish which was really odd thought it was a noodle but turned out it wasn't, it didn't taste bad just a really odd texture. I'll put some photos up on facebook soon of the weird meals i've had. I love the Korea BBQ thats great and some weird rice dishes but i miss pizza at the moment and chips. Teaching is fun i have 5 classes twice a week and 6 classes three times a week and their 50mins each with a 10 minute break. There's no such thing as a lunch break so you have to try and eat in the 10 minutes you get. I start around 2 each day and finish around 9, this leaves me morning to be productive, although i have to admit that because internet is so good I've been streaming a lot of tv shows and anime so I'm pretending I'm doing it for research sakes. I feel so settled here like it was meant to be, adapted very quickly to teaching and general life here. I can't wait to explore a bit more but at the moment I'm concentrating on my teaching skills, learning material for classes and doing prep and lesson plans. Teaching (actually standing in front of a class talking) isn't the hard part, no it the lesson planning and thinking of homework, and marking and remembering all the little things like not leaving your register in the classroom, setting detentions correctly, bringing the board markers to class and remembering all the students names (between all my different classes i have 120 students) that takes some getting used to. I am loving it though and trying to learn more about the food at the moment so as not to limit myself, the cost of living out here is amazing tax is like 4%, the average Korean meal is about £3. Its works out that if some thing costs 3000 won you take of three zeros and then half the remainder to get pounds. So 10000 won is £5, it great value, beer works out as £1.25 a pint and a small bottle of Soju (the Korean whiskey a bit like Saki) is 47p. Do keep me posted on what you guys are up to especially if anyone wants to visit since i have a place to myself i can easily accommodate guests. Speak to you soon me dears, Zoe
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| Torchwood Geek!! |
[20 May 2008|01:25pm] |
So the last two weekend before i left for Korea (more on Korea another day), I went to both The Rift and Collectomania and got my photo taken with the stars of Torchwood that were there. I was so happy and well you can imagine what bits like meeting the loves from your fav tv show, these guys are just all so sexy.
John Barrowmans hand grazed my boob, one of the best moments in my life.
( Torchwood cast photos )
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| Goodbye |
[06 May 2008|07:47am] |
Ok my lovely people this is it in a few hours i fly. So its farewell for now and I will see you in 12 months. Try not to forget me, I sure you wont, you will all have to miss me terrible and count down the days till I'm back. Try not to miss me too much though i'm sure you will find ways to cope without me and I will be on facebook as much as possible once ive sorted out internet. I am going to miss you all lots and am now getting all nervous quite the butterfly war in my stomach. I'll speak to you all soon, Take care and enjoy yourselves, load of love Zoe
ps things to remember:
I am alternate dimension captain jack!!!!
Gay love saved the world!!!
Screw the cheerleader, Save Nathan Petrelli!!!!!
Beer is always your friend!!!
Ive well got talent!!!!!! (as well as being well pirate)
Tomates are demon spawn, the rapists of salad with evil scum seed!!!
Thats about it from me bye again, Zoe
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| Dreams come true |
[28 Jan 2008|06:00pm] |
So I went to Birmingham to see John Barrowman in Alladin and well BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE. Yes i went to the stage door after the show and yes yes yes he came out to sign autographs. He is an amazing and wonderful person he stayed to sign everything that he was given making sure that everyone there got a autograph and that he spoke and thanked everyfan that spoke to him. He is so sexy and lovely in real life an absolute darling i love him even more. Got my Torchwwod book signed told him i was going to korea so it was a pleasure to see him on the stage before i left the country and he said thank that means alot.After words i walked away shaking, butterflies in my stomach, went weak in the knees and nearly fell over i was so excited, its like i dream ive meet John Barrowman I can leave the UK knowing Ive made a dream come true. Afterward we went to a local gay club to celebrate and party the night away.
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| Travel pics part 2 |
[24 Jan 2008|12:16pm] |
Images from Laos and Vietnam. Including giving arms to the monks and exploring Halong Bay. Again for more picture go to my Facebook.
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| Heath Ledger dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[22 Jan 2008|11:57pm] |
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Oh my god Heath Ledger has just died. I found out a few hours ago his body was found at 8:30gmt. I cant believe it I actually really like the actor and was so excited about seeing him as the joker. He's only 28 and well apart from being good looking he's been growing as an actor. I cant believe heath ledger is dead im so upset.
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| Travel pics part 1 |
[22 Jan 2008|12:25pm] |
About time I put some images up from my Travels. For many more though just go to my facebook and all my pics are up there.
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| I seem to be in a bit of an unluckly slump!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[28 Dec 2007|10:34pm] |
I was doing fine when traveling alone and now well im having an awful time.
My time with family here in Malaysia is not going well for me and theres no one i can talk to. After 2 days of hinting and rosie telling me to pack up my bag i feel rather unwanted and in they way and now little things are getting to me. Sorry guys but another big rant. I get she has plans with Zach that im not part of but she could have said that she could only put me up for a week and then i need to move on, if i had known i would have planned my time in penang and arranged to get to sinapore in time for new year as i have a friend there that i plan to visit. I could ave taken yes you can stay but only for a week cause we have already made plans after all i told her in febuary that i wanted to come stay for christmas and new year. I havent done much family stuff and because of having to leave so quickly i dont even have time to say godbye to mmy grandmother or uncle which is sad. I was close to tears at dinner today so i said i was ill and have come home early. I have cried for a bit and now i am ranting, i dont think its fair for her to just hint and then tell me pack my bags (even if it was all said in the most pleasent way) and that she'll drop me in KL. I dont want to spend the new year alone in a stang city feeling like my family dont want me and im in the way. So she has decided she doesnt like her sisters kid, after all ive been through these last months with the orphange, traveling alone and emotions being high time with family was so important and i wanted to rest to sit down and not move to feel like i had a home for a bit and recover both emotionally and physically. Its been hard with the parties but the fact that i feel unwanted is killing me. She made plans to hang out with a friend today. So i stayed in revised and prepared for interview, went for a swim and then had a rest before making sure i was fully packed. Rosie then says we are going out for dinner so get ready but the look of disproval when i said i was, appaerntly she wants me to wear something nice cause we are going out with her mates, i explained i'd packed everything but she looked so dissapointed that i unpacked some nice clothes and got ready. We went to dinner, zach and mathew and a friend of theres chatted rosie and er frined chatted and i sat in silence feeling like i wanted to cry. Rosie may have personality traits like my mum but she doesnt share my mums hospitality, she barly acknowledges me and its become obviouse. I noticed she didnt ask about my travels when i first arrived or want to hear my stories, she doesn't photos of me when we go out to parties as a group i'm always the one thatb asks to have a photo, she doesnt introduce me, today her friends had to ask who i was, she didnt ask about my job interview and at dinner i asked if it was ok to order a beer (i felt that my interview went well so wanted to toast myself) but she said no i couldn't have one and then to top it off while we were eating one of her firends offered me some bread to soak up some sauce and she said "you better not your mum asked me to make sure you dont eat to much so you wont put anymore weight on". That was the moment when all these feelings exploded and i nealry burst into tears at the table so asked if i could be taken home as i didnt feel well. Luckly for me i hadn't eaten much food as rosie stopped me so itlooked like i had lost my appetit and i have a clod sore which i think was brought on by stress and a little bit of a fever. Well luckly Rosie doesnt want anyone to catch my illness so i got sent starit home. I feel crap, headache, fever, cold sore and stomach pain so i think i am actually getting ill which makes this whole i cant stay cause im in the way or just not wanted around thing feel worse. Ive stopped crying and now im made. I think im more mad about being told no beer and to stop eating than i am about having to spend the next two weeks alone traveling again.
I hope im not blowing this all out of proportion am i being ungratful. Ive been buying my own meals to make sure rosies dosnt pay for anything, i got her flowers and i make sure i treat Zach well and show an interest in his hobbies. Oh what is up with me at the moment have i hit so huge unlucky patch or is this a sign that i need to come home and that i need friends and family again that want or like my company. Maybe rosie is disapointed that im not the niece she was expecting me to be, maybe she didnt know how to relate to me or found it odd that i like cartoons, movies, computer games and beer instead of shopping for bags and shoes. Or the fact that i wanted time to just chill maybe she thought i was lazy or immature. The first time in all my travel im desperate to come home, when you family make you feel unwanted its hard to face being alone with this hurt but well im strong in a few hours i'll find out if i got the job so i wait excitedly for that to cheer me up, plus only one day left here maybe i'll feel better once im on my own and dont have to keep thinking im in the way or some kind of disappointment's. Wow im starting to calm down now ranting really does make me feel better even if behind it i feel a bit bitter.
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| What a busy time!! |
[27 Dec 2007|01:40pm] |
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Ok after a week in Malaysia i am pretty tierd its been very busy and very social. My cousins, dads sister son got married and well a mmuslim wedding lasts 4 days. First day was meet relatives on zachs dad side of the family(7 sisters and their kids) and then do wedding plans. I helped fill gift bags. make a flower arrangment out of these fake silver decorations of hearts and ribbion and a soap egg had to be tied to each one. It took a while but looked beautiful in the end. These are given as gifts to the bride sides of the family. I entertained the kids and made a jigsaw puzzel, talked about my adventures and what life is like for the kids i saw in Thailand compared to the kids in Malaysia and britain. Was lovey but tiering after travelling alone it took me a while to get used to so many people. Then there was prayer time for the groom and some men came sat on prayer matts and read prayers with the grom, women and men had to sit on different sides while this took place. I am not good at sitting on the floor so after 45mins of chanting i was happy to get up plus it was time to eat. There was also this ritual where the groom sits on a chair and you get so put some leaves and a bit of hena on his hand and wish him good luck. I spent most of the 4 days getting a bit confused by the customs but is\t was a great experince. The next day we went to the mosque for the legal ceromony. Never been in a mosque before and felt weird having to wear the head scarf but its a nice ceromony. The groom has to repeat after the priest and if he stall or sutters he has to do it again, the groom said everything perfect the first time. Then there is the exchaniging of gifts between the bride and groom family, there was a money tree, the most amazing jelemy, clothes and shoes all so beautiful. Each day the couple wears a different out fit in a differetn colour scheme. After the Mosque we went for food before the groups seperated. Day three was dinner at the brides house, the theme was green. In the house they have what looks like a thrown room where the couple sits and you can take photos after you have eaten. On day 4 it was the grooms side of the families party and the theme was purple. Againa nother thrown area and plenty of curry to eat. Enjoyable but tiering but worth it to see some i hadnt before. It was then christmas eve and i spent that day doing my shopping and trying to stay out the way. I also went to the cinema to see the golden compass which was alot of fun much better than narnia but now i really wanna know what happens next. Christmas day was a nice peaceful day for me, watched tv and hung out with family, then we opended presents, i got a hat, a plannner and some money. Then in the evening petter( my uncle) through a party with lots of food and beer, i played alot of cards, talked to some people and sand carols. Its was fun petters friend were very drunk so we got to laugh at the alot which was nice. Next day was peaceful again a few more relative visted but i have lost track of actulayy relatives and relative from the various inlaws to memeber s of the family hear. In all its been very busy alot of people but now ive had a day to recover and relax and im starting to plan the next stage of my travels. Going to go down to KL on the weekend and then sort out what i want to do for new year before i go visit singapore. Very soon i will have details on when i return to englad, i have my korean job interview tomorror so im excited and nervouse. So wish me luck and i'll let you know all the details once i get them, Zoe
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| A day of Goodbyes to thailand and to holiday romance |
[16 Dec 2007|05:41pm] |
Ok its my last day in Krabi tomorrow i got to Malaysia which im so excited about. I have done some amazing day trips.
1 - Sea kayakingn i saw mangrove swamps and sea caves, had lunch on the beach feed monkeys and had a wonderful day it was lovely. Great to be back in a kayak but its alot harder on the sea, once we got into the swamp lands it was easier. The monkeys were crazy they would jump from the trees onto your kayak and then crawl around trying to get food of you it was a great experince.
2 - Phi Phi Islands, well how do you not enjoy a day of speed boating, snorkelling, perfect beaches and fantastic limestone islands. Snorkelling is great saw loads of interesting fish and the water was beautifully clear and a lovely temperature. I swam in lagoons, went to the beach where they films The Beach, i have never seen such postcard perfect scenery whiter sands and plam trees. Also alot of scenery that looked like the lost island or Jurassic park. I had such a great time and i met this great couple how come from kingston and live in Norbiton so we went for some beers and had a great chat about kingston and oubs and movies which was a perfect end to a perfect day.
3 - James bond island - Well i got to see and stand on the beach from Man with the Golden Gun, as a film student these things excit me. Had a wonderful ride in a longtail boat with beautiful scenery. Stop for luch in the muslim floating village and had the most amazing seafood meal of prawns and fried fish and squid it was amazing. We also went through a see cave, visted a monkey cave and a waterfall. Its beena a great trip.
I will definatly some back to Krabi I want a proper 7 day stint here as there is so much to do and i want to come back with friends as its a great place to be you guys would all love it. I know its a small report but im tierd from another exciting day and i have to be up a 6 to catch my bus to Penang. so speak to you later, Zoe
Ok im in a pretty bad mood with Matt now though he doesn't know this. Im here in Krabi its paradise, beautiful clear seas, perfect sandy beaches, junngles tours, speed boating, kayak trips, snorkelling and well so many things to do and see. Basically I might as well have come alone Matt was a boring fucker these last 5 days but it gets worse. Ok so we arrive im excited and want to start planning day trips Matt wants to sleep and relax. At first this is fine he's been travelling and working but you know what i havent exactly been idling around doing nothing this last month. Matt decided he doesn't want to do anyday trips so I only book one so we can spend our spare time together cause well whats the point in coming to paradise with a lover and not spending time together. But did we do anything nice like a romatic walk on the beach or curl up and watch a movie in the evening, No Matt sleeps during the day, he's tierd from work and being a tour guide blah blah blah. So i do my own thing but it means in the evening after being out all day im a bit tierd and want to watch a film and relax but by this time matt likes to inform me that he didn't come here so we would spend our evenings in our room. So in the evenings he like to go out for drinks he normally eats later so doesn't want dinner just to got drink. Me i wouldn't have minded some dinner and i dont want to always be out drinking there more to a relationship than going out to party and get drunk especially when i need to be up at 8 to go on a day trip. In the bar Matt likes to watch a football game and luckly the bar staff are always happy to play connenct 4 with me so that was fun. Oh its all so annoying ans stupid eventually Matt explains that because he's been to Krabi before he doesnt want to waste money on trips hes either done or dont really interet him. But even so wouldnt it have been nice to have done something with me like snorkelling. I find Matt has weird double standards, the last night he complained that when we go to a bar i just play connect 4 which he thinks is kinda rude and well really boring and he cant stand the game, well football isnt much fun for me!!!!! But it gets worse he then explains that becauses he travels for a living when he has time off he just wants to relax and he's seen so many tropical paradises there nothing speacial to him. Though i'm not meant to get the wrong idea he's glad he's with me but the location doesnt interest him and he cant really enjoy himself. Well im sorry but im a film student i watch films, study films and analyses films then in my spare time go to the cinema and to relax i like to watch a film, now no matter how many times i watch a film if its good i want to make my friends watch it I dont mind seeing it again because i like the enjoyment that comnes with introducing this film to my friends. I cant believe that Matt couln't appriciate this place and that he couldnt put aside these thoughts and have a nice time with me, it made me angry but it has really upset me. Im not about to go cry over it but did he really think i wanted to do nothing all day when im out here to travel and experience new things. im not letting a holiday romance stop me achieveing all the things i want. Now come the kicker.......................
He said he loved me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Over and over hiws he's fallen for me, he loves me so much and that where evrer i chose to end up he wants to settle there with me. Ive known him a month, i dont love him but he keeps putting pressure on me asking why i cant say it back and dont i feel the same. I think he loves a made up version of me in his head. I think its unfair to say such a thing knowing im travelling by myself, alone in strang places with not many people to hold onto, its unfair. I need time to fall in love and coming on this strong this fast is terrifying he's scared me with this. he then had the ordasity to ask me if there was anything to go back to the UK for, why dont i stay here we could be together everything i want to achieve i can still do but from here. I dont think he has any right asking me not to go home, doesnt he relaise im in a strang and unfamiliar place both physically and mentally, what right does he have to ask me to give up my family and friends. Does he expect some holiday fling to change my mind abiout doing a PhD or working in a uni andbeing part of the british film industry. I think its a rude, selfish and unfair thing to do. I let him leave without answering and i hate it cause he's made me feel guilty because i couldn't answer anything he asked. I dont love him I dont have much to compare my feelings to or how an adult relationship should work, i mean i dont even feel what i felt for Martin. I may have been having a one sided and sometimes imaginary relationship with martin but it was better than this it never scared me or tried to change my goals and ambitions. And in the end martin was right we wouldnt have worked cause i have left the country for 2 years. I dont like the number Matt has done on me, i dont like the fact thats he's trying to manipulate me with telling me he loves me knowing i have to family and friends about to talk to about this and put it into perspective. Does he really think that after a month i would decide not to come home and make a life with him here. He couldnt even enjoy Krabi cause it reminded him of work. I had films on me that i wanted to watch with him cause i wanted him to experience they joy that they gacve me. It doesnt matter that ive watched shivers 3 times in 2 weeks i would have watched it again so he could see why i like it but he couldn't use the same pholosophy on me and yet he claims he's in love with me. Ive had a better time without him, meeting great people on my day trips and chatting to them without all this intensity he's given off.
Please guys i'm not sure what i should be thinking or how to react i need a chat and hug so bad right now, tell me im not overreacting and that he's been unfair and inconsiderate. I miss everyone so much cause now im alone with these stupid thought and pressures on me and i dont think matt had the right to do this to me. Im now certain that my life lies in university and film studies because unlike him i can enjoy film for the sake of other even though i spend time studying and watching films myself. Im a little lonely and pissed of right now but i have some movies to watch and tomorrow i got to Malaysia, i want to put Matt behind me but i also need to find a way to tell him i dont feel the same and he's scared me, part of me just wants to leave it be and hope he gets the message that i dont need someone like that in my life. Wow this is a big rant but i need to get it off my chest, Zoe
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| New Adventures in North Thailand |
[05 Dec 2007|05:37pm] |
So ive been pretty busy since i left Maesai and its kind of odd travelling alone when im used to having people around most of the time. I went to Chianf Rai and had the greatest day trip. I went to see the hill tribes and my driver/tour guide was great. He spoke great english and he was really excited that i want to go to real hill tribe villages rather than the tourist places and becuase we were in a 4x4 we could really get of the beaten track and see some places where few tourists can get to. I saw Karen (long neck), Ahka, Lisu and Lahu( i think thats how its spelt). It was amazing seeing the different styles of dress and housing and i think i was as much an attraction for the kids as they were for me. My guide also had huge bags of oranges so whenever we went to a village we sould hand them out to the children which was lovely and a great way to intereact and well i was just so happy. I ended up buying a few hill tribe crafts but it felt better to buy of local people in the villages rather than the markets, it was a way of helping the villager and well now i have christmas presents sorted. Also it turns out my guide was really into rock and roll and some other great music he had compelation cd's so i got to listen to Rolling stones, deep purple, eagles and the doors. It wazs great he said i had old taste for my age so i explined i learnt alot about these bands from my dad and we got to sing alone to some great songs in the jeep. The next day was less exciting a 7 hour bus journey to Phitsanulok. The finding my hotel and scoting out the local area. I'm being a bit bad and treating myself these few days. My hotel room has a huge bed and god is it comfy, plus theres hot water in the shower, cold drinking water in the fridge and a TV all things ive missed for the last month. Phitsunalok isnt that exciting a city but it has some great attractions around it. I have rented a car and a driver for 2 days, i know its cheaper if i got myself to other cities and locations but this way im garenteed to get there, not get lost, see the best sites and well its safer since im on my own. Tomorrow i'm going to a national park and my new guide is taking me trekking. But today i went to Sukothai which is like thailands answer to Angkor wat but well smaller but better taken care of. It was great the old ruins are beautiful and so is the park they are situated in. I also went to Si Satchanalai which is another old kinhdon city north of Sukhothai which has some beautiful temple ruins as well. Its great because its not tourist season there arnt people everywhere and i had some ruins all to myself. But im finding some pros and cons to travelling alone.
Pros:
I can go at my own pace.
I can go where i want when i want.
Cons:
It can be lonely withour someone to share the sites with.
It can be more expenseive as there is a fixed rate for driver/guide and car so the more people to share with the less expensive it becomes.
But still im enjoying myself but spendind more than i'd like. I think after these few days of luxary i'll go back quite happily to Hostels and now ive got a better idea of travelling alone and how to get around i think i'll try and do Ayutthaya myself just need a map me thinks. The other odd thing is this new guide seem to love me, he want to show me how to kick box as he used to be a professional and he kkeeps saying how lovely i am and that we are good friends and this hand shape you can make that means I love you, Plus he likes to be in photos with me and well its kind of odd in the car he out on a love ballard albume and asked for me to sing along. Not sure if he's just being frindly or in the space of a day decided he's in love with me. Well anyway i have a loevly day planned for tomorrow so im going to take it easy tonight so im all prepared for my day of trekking. Zoe
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| Maesai the end!!! |
[01 Dec 2007|06:05pm] |
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Ok its been my last week here in Maesai was a bit emotional today saying goodbye to the kids and getting lots of hugs and kissess and pictures and a braclet and once i was away i had a little cry. Cant believe its been a month im going to miss the kids even though im tired and some days i got frustrated it was a worth while experience and i wish i could do more and i would deffinatly do volunteer work again. Ive had a few odd experiences this week, on was eating with the teachers at school and them feeding me raw buffalo marinated in chili. I also went for a drink with teachers and was feed cold pork fat, pig hair and even tierd some kidney. I managed to eat it and not feel to bad but i think i'll stick to chicken and normal pork meat. Its funny cause they start drinking at 5 and by 8 everyone goes home cause your tierd or drunk. Its odd knowing its near christmas and their being no signs and knowone really knowing what christmas is but at least im not being driven mad by the same christmas album on repeat. Im really kinda sad though but its been a great month so many stories to tell i have to write them down and so many ideas i have and things ive learnt that i can take with me. I think i'll write more when im less tierd i was n the shelter with the kids 8am to 5pm so both physically and emotionally drained now.
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| The final week |
[26 Nov 2007|05:29pm] |
Well i cant believe im on the final week its gone quickly but you can imagine how tierd i am. Its been really good ive done alot of walking in the hills in my spare time, i also went on a day trip to burma, its really lovely on their side a lovely Pagoda. They speak better english and its more tourist friendly i shopped for 4 hours in the market and only bought a few things i was so reserved cause its also alot cheaper on the Burma side. I have made a few discoveries this week, one is that no matter what you age its ok to go out im pajamas, i meet this guy while having a beer at the festival that jst passed and even though he was in his Pajamas he was having a night out with his mates. The festival was the light Gaton which you make small floating decorations out of banana leaves and banana stalk you put a candle and incense on them and then light and put in the river. They are meant to lead dead souls out to see its pretty and well there was a parade, fireworks , foodstales and i had my first beer in 2 weeks. I have also decided that me new motorbike boy is a speed freak, i mean i had gotton used to not needing to hold onto the bike but now i hold for dear life, my eyes can barly open becuase of the wind in my face, its like begin on a rollercoaster but with no safty. I am really enjoying teaching and being in the school everyone is so nice and really glad im there they keep making me stay for extra activities, i do still enjoy the shelter but i keep thinking that when o go who will play with the kids, bring them gifts watch they do activities and encourage them. It kinda makes me sad i can't do more and that there lives will go back so quickly to them just lying around during the day with nothing to inspire them. It has been random no speaking thai, not knowing whats going on or where the adults and other staff are, watching girls do their laundry and trying to clean up wounds that really should be treated before they get infected, i wish these kids had some medicine then they would have colds and rashes that are so easly avoided in the west. I think worrying about it though will only get to me and i just have to hope that for the time i was their they got a bit more interation.
I am though at the end of my teather with the guest house early wake ups, every morning as im trying to sleep the world around explodes, at 6am on goes the music this morning thai metal and then in sounds like theres some kind of kitchenware showdown going on between waring factions, And although the kitchen is the room next to nime its sounds like this rain of cutlery and destruction of pans is happening in my room, and theres nothing i can do but its getting to me now. The one joy is that the hot water is now working i had my first jot shower this week which was amazing you have no idea how truly good it is to have hot water again and even though the pressure is very low at least the water is hot. I have also taken to doing my own washing so i spend time now scrubbing my own clothes they way the kids at the shelter do only difference is i do it in the shower and have plenty of soap powder. I think iw ill leave it there me dear and i'll speak to you all soon. Zoe
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| Quite Monday |
[19 Nov 2007|06:19pm] |
Well it is now im not at the shelter the kids had a visit from some german guys and got given ballons so it was rather exciting today. It was a good weekend, i have recovered from the trauma of kitten death. The kids instead have a new puppy, its tiny, soft and fluffy so very cute, until it poohed all over my leg but well things that small and cute get forgiven quickly. The weather is getting hottor deffinatly getting a good tan but it also means that they boys are trying to convince me a great way to cool down is to get in the pond. I have many reasons why i dont like this plan, i mean this is a brown stagnat pool of water and insectcide from the rice paddys plus fertillizer and other chemicals washes into the pool and well spent the other day using a stick to chase away a snake that had decided to go for a swim in the pool and well i dont want to going swimming in water that has snakes in it!!!!!!
I spent my weekend sunbathing and reading and thn exploring. I did a 10km walk up and down a hill, god way i swaety mess but felt so good for doing it. I also explored some of measai visited some temples, the view point and the markets which was nice. Im rather tierd playing with kids, teaching english and being in this heat is a bit of an energy drain and i cant handle the idea of eating more rice i really want some pasta or a potatoe but for now i'll have to survive. The time hear is going quickly i cant believe its been two weeks and the kids are great i just wish i new some thai past hello, how are you, boy, girl and how to count to 10. Its all worth it though and deffinatly a great experience just i'll need a holiday to recover from it at the end me thinks. Zoe
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| Week One Maesai |
[11 Nov 2007|04:58pm] |
Ok this may be one of the most random things ive ever done this week has been inteesting. Sometimes great and some times very confusing. I no longer get pcked up by pick up tuck i now have a boy that come on a motor bike that takes me to school and picks me up from shelter, one of the teachers at school drives me to shelter after class. Teaching is great fun and trying to find ways to keep the children interested is great got to keep the lessons fun but make sure they are learning. Ive started setting home work and both myself and the students find it great when i get to use the red pen and tick their home work. The actual structure of school is so randon teachers just kind of wander in the classrooms teah for a bit then wonder off leaving the students. Some times i arrive and their running up and down the halls or reading or chatting and the teachers are out side doing the same its so odd. Some times students will just wonder of during the lesson but i think they love the novelty of having a foreign teacher that they stay in class for my hour itd trying to keep their attention which can be hard. I've come up with a few learning games and i make the students come up and write on the bored. Its odd cause they cant speak english and i can speak thai so trying to understand each other can be a challenge. After class i sit with the teachers and write my report and they try and read it back explaining words they don't understand. Its odd cause just before class i have to explian to the teacher what i'm teaching then aftergive them a little lesson so they can go back and revise with the class what ive done. After class i get my lift to shelter.
Each day i arrive i can go up to 4 hours without seeing an adult until i'm back at my guesthouse. The shelter is great i love the kids even if we cant understand each other. I eat lunch with them normally something ive had prepaird for me by the guesthouse staff. OUt of 3 meals a day so this weeks 21 meals ive have meat 5 times. I eat rice and vegetables the rest of the time and yesterday i had my first beer in 10 days. The shelter is popuated with kids and puppys no idea why so many puppys but they are so cute. I have to be carefull as some have diseases but when a small child runs up to you with a puppy you cant really tell them no as they love to show you there pets. But they day before i arrived the kids were so desperate for meat they ended up killing and eating one of the puppys which i found rather shocking. The kids are pretty self sufficient they look after themselves, wash and clean but they are so starved of interation and people to spend time with. Most days the just want to show me things, so far there is the small boy that like to jump of the boat into the pond and is just so happ if i watch him, also the girl have given me a wash and shown how they wash themesleves and do their laudry. Its scary how little they have to enertain themselves, i bought some beads abd string and it kept them emtertained for ages even the 14-16 year old boys were making braclets as it was something to do.They play alot with stones and sticks and pieces of rope which is so bizzare the games they have come up with by using different sized rocks. Now im there they love to play hide and seek and chase. This can be tiring cause during the day it gets really hot and you can't escape from it at all. Its safe to say i am a mess at the mo each day looking like ive been to war. Im covered in mud, dirt, food and everything you can think of and i really smell this combination of children, puppy, stagnent water, pee, rice, dirt and sweat its not pretty. Plus its the end of rainy season so many of the kinds have been or are coming to the end of ilness and i get sneezed on alot. I had a nice cold that lasted this weekend and im glad that some bed rest cured that cause being ill with random colds in this heat is no fun. My sad story of the week though is one boy was trying to explain what had happened to him and he showed me his ankle which is scard and a bit deformed, turn out he was walking when he got it caught in a trap but considering what he's been through he is such a happy boy.
Its been a bit lonely being the only volunteer and in the evenings theres nothing to do everywhere shuts at 8 and there no tv where im staying. I really wish i had a reading book or at least someone to talk to as between 8 and 10 its a struggle to entertain myself. This weekend i went down to Chang Rai to do a bit of sight seeing and i also went to the golden triangle and opium museum which was interesting. Got nice views and learnt some interesting things about the local area. There are so many different tribes here i really want to see them and learn a little more about this mix of local cultures. Its been a good week and now im more familiar with the pace and utter randomness of my days i feel more settle. I do have moments when i think oh my god i'm really here sometimes i can't belive this is my life at the moment but wouldn't change it for the world. Speak to you all soon, Zoe
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| A new Adventure - Orphans in Maesei |
[05 Nov 2007|03:19pm] |
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Ok so the next stage of the adventure has begun and boy was i not prepared for this its lucky im positive and acceptin of challenges becuase at first it was a shock now im hear im ok and settling well. Ok so this is how it went. When i appied to work in a hill tribe orphanage i thought hill tribe, i thought orphanage and i thought North Thailand. Well its all a bit more extreme than that. It wasn't until i meet the i-to-i group i found out exactly where i was going. Im now in Measai, its kind of the John o'Groats of Thailand im so north that im on the burmese border. In fact the border crossing is 1km from my accomadation. I had no idea i was going this far north and then out of the 15 other volunteers i am the only one on this project everyone else went south so im here alone very far from anything ive experience so far. My orphangae is actually a childrens shelter with 140 kids in it and im the only foreign volunteer. All the staff are thai minus one english girl that doesnt get back till next week so im alone for this first week. Now for the children, i wish i-to-i had told me the situation cause at first i was a little scared but now well i fine and so happy and excited about what im doing. Basically all the kids are either, former street children, orphanes from Burma, been resuced from child labour many of them had been sold to the child sex trade before ending up at this shelter. Im right near the golden triangle so many of these kids parents are opium addicts and therefore cant look after these kids so the end up in the shelture. Many are from hill tribe like the Ahka and came from burma and thailand but becuase they are minorities they never got id cards so neither side achknowledges them. Many are found begging at the border or sniffing glue at the borders as they have nothing else to do, its and odd and scary sight. They all come from abuse, poverty and traggic backgrounds, they get rescued and invited to live at the shelture and attended the local school. My role is to teach english at the school in the morning then after lunch i come back with the kids and play and help out at the shelter. Ive been to the school and meet some of the kids and they are beautiful, full of life, so happy to see you and invite you into their lives its amazing. I spent today on a pick up truck which is what gets me their and back and a motorbike which helps me get about during the day between pick up and drop of. My accomadation is basic but there a bed mosi net amd power. UOtside theres a shower room and toilet so im fine and i get 2 free meals a day at the resturant at my guesthouse so im perfectly content. There one other girl that helps the shelter and stay in my guest house called lenny and she's lovely, the gueshouse owner speak english, so does my project leader but thats it no one speak english not even the teahers at the school or people at the shelter so its been interesting thank god i have a thai phrasebook or i'd be stuck. So yeah not quite what i expected but its great i feel like its something really worth doing, a competly different side of life and a great experience all the way. I cant wait to start fully interating with the kids and learning more about the area and hopw its social and political history has created the need for the childrens shelter.
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lonedreameryaoi's journal
